The God of Puns
by nedthejanitor
Summary: Low-Key, the God of Puns, comes to Earth searching for Frieza, resulting in a very PUNgent day for our heroes! You will hate me for writing this!


**Disclaimer: LugginBall Z, a story of the day in the life of your average everyday sports equipment delivery guy, is not owned by this author. Not for lack of a whole lot of fucking trying, mind you.**

One dark day, a cloud descended upon the citizens of Earth. That mighty and terrible dog-man, Low-Key, the God of Puns, walked among the human race for the first time since first they discovered language. He wore a t-shirt that had the letter T on it, a pair of blue jeans made out of two people named Jean, painted blue, and a cod-piece that featured an actual cod. One brave woman of about 20 looked him in the eye, and he spoke winged words to her:

"Evening, my lady. Would you happen to know where I might find a Frieza?"

"Erm… well, at Maytag, you might be able to pick one up. If they're still open-"

"HA HA! MADE YOU PUN!" Low-Key, the mighty God of Puns, left the woman in tears at the pun most devastating. Then a torrent of his evil power rocked her body and she exploded.

Meanwhile, at a barbeque for the Z Fighters, much merriment was had. Everyone gave Vegeta a pink shirt as a gag gift and he made a most spectacular bonfire of them. This resulted in all the nearby wildlife being wiped out in the terrible out-of-control fire. Vegeta refused to help the rest of the gang put it out because, to quote him, "we don't need no water. Let the motherfucker burn."

So the feast and merriment was moved to a different location. Vegeta was not told where, and the other fighters purposely kept their power levels low so he couldn't easily find them.

"Bah! Curse the whole lot of them," Vegeta muttered in the middle of his search. "When I find them, they are so getting pout-pummeled."

His lamentations were interrupted when his eyes met a chicken. Figuring he needed some food, he swooped down to catch and cook it. But he was intercepted by a sight that ran shivers down his spine. It was Low-Key! God of Puns!

"You!" Vegeta blurted.

"That's right, me!" Low-Key chirped. "What's the matter, did my interrupting your chicken hunt leave you in a… FOWL mood?"

Vegeta felt a hard punch to the stomach, even though Low-Key hadn't so much as lifted a finger against him. He gave Low-Key a vicious look as he turned into a Super Saiyan.

Low-Key was amused. "Why, I can tell you're scared; you're turning positively yellow!"

Vegeta's eyelids twitched. That one got him right in the brain. "What do you want on this bastard, you planet?!"

"Pleasure," said Low-Key coyly. "Why are you wandering around here, Vegeta?"

"Looking for a party."

"Ha! An old man like you! Do you even know what you're… SAIYAN?"

"AHH!" Vegeta yelled out as he plummeted the rest of the way to the ground, landing ass-first onto a fallen bird's nest.

"Hahaha!" Low-Key laughed. "Getting defeated by me must be for the BIRDS!"

The saiyan prince cried out in agony, the last pun having broken his left arm.

"Ooh! That last pun must've been… H'ARM'ful!"

Vegeta's mouth started to bleed.

"Blood! You must be RED-y for another pun!"

"AAARRGH!" Vegeta could take no more and he fainted. Low-Key grinned sadistically. He left the wounded man to search for the true target.

MEANWHILE, BACK TO GOKU + FRIENDS

"Whoa!" Goku said, picking his face out of the place of ribs he was in the process of annihilating. "Guys, did you feel that?"

"…Yeah," replied Master Roshi in a daze, having just been served a near-lethal dose of "punched in the face-itosis" courtesy of Android 18, who had little patience for Roshi's groping compared to other female cast members.

"Not that, Master Roshi. Vegeta's power level just spiked and plummeted!"

Bulma scoffed. "That man. He's probably just upset that he can't find us. Either that, or he just finished a round of angry mastur-"

"Ha ha!" The high-pitched noblewoman-esque laugh of Low-Key echoed from far above the Z Fighters' picnic location.

"-bation. Who on earth is that?!"

"I don't know," said Piccolo. "But his power level is… strange. Incredibly large but… somehow, hard to take seriously."

Low-Key dropped to face the Z gang up close and personal. "I'm afraid if you're looking for your friend to arrive, he won't be making it. We got into a little scuffle and I was forced to… PUNcture him."

The wind was knocked out of Yamcha and he fell to the ground, unconscious. Krillin rushed to his side. "Geez, Yamcha! The fighting hasn't even started yet!"

Goku looked at Yamcha in terror before turning back to glare at the terrible God of Puns. "What did you do to him?!"

"Oh, nothing. Just a little… PUN-ishment!"

The whole picnic table exploded. Android 18 and Maron were both knocked out cold. "Goku, be careful!" exclaimed Piccolo. "Somehow, his awful wordplay is like a powerful psychic attack!"

"Awful?!" Low-Key said in anger. "Namekian, you've just sealed your fate! No one who has ever dared to question my PUN-ctuality is alive to tell about it!"

A vicious localized earthquake broke out, causing everyone who couldn't fly to fall into the giant crack that formed in the earth. The ones who could fly, save for Goku, were forced to go down and rescue them.

Goku turned into a Super Saiyan and charged Low-Key with all that he had. If it were any other opponent, they would have been most assuredly finished. But this was no ordinary opponent. Indeed, this was Low-Key, the God of Puns. "You'll pay for that, whoever you are!"

"Oh, look, your hair changed color!" Low-Key dodged Goku's punch and flew backwards. "I guess you think this LOCKS the victory for you…"

"Oof!" Goku suddenly felt a sharp pain in his belly.

"But I think you're going to be a little dis-TRESSED!"

Goku's chin erupted in agony and he found himself knocked backwards.

"Now you're power level's starting to go down. Feeling a bit… STRANDED?"

The non-fliers were freed from the crack in the earth just in time to see Goku plummet toward the ground, out of control. While Goten and Trunks rushed to the hurt Saiyan's aid, Gohan and Piccolo took flight toward the mad God. But he was prepared. By God, he had a whole slew of them. "Are we having a disa-GREEN-ment?" Both of Piccolo's arms flew off and he fell after them.

"PICCOLO!" screamed Gohan.

"He'll be fine," Low-Key assured Gohan. "I take it from your black hair that you are a Saiyan?"

"Half-saiyan," Gohan corrected. On the ground, his father tried to do the universal sign of "SHUT UP" by making a throat-cutting gesture, but it was no use. Gohan wasn't looking that way.

"A Halfling! Even better!" Low-Key cracked his punning knuckles. "You know, I'm sure you were supposed to be born on Vegeta, but it looks like your parents didn't… PLANET very well!"

Gohan felt a sudden massive weight right against his chest. He plummeted to the earth, unconscious before he even hit the ground.

"Bastard!" choked out the injured Goku. "You'll pay!"

"Hmm? Cash or credit?"

Everyone in the nearby vicinity flinched, but nothing actually happened. They looked at Low-Key confusedly and he shrugged. "Hey, I don't operate with just puns, y'know."

Goku managed to stand up with help from Goten and Trunks. Krillin had already taken off for Korin's to get some senzu beans, leaving a possibly dying Yamcha right where he feels comfortable; face pressed right in the ground. "Who are you?! What do you want with us?!"

Low-Key folded his arms. "How's that any of your business? Well, if you must know-"

"He came here to find Frieza!"

Everyone's eyes turned to Vegeta, who was not far behind Low-Key with a huge energy wave cupped in his hand. "And he's found something WORSE!"

Vegeta's energy wave makes direct contact with the Pun God's back and explodes. A massive dust cloud is kicked up from the ground not far below, and Yamcha is almost assuredly dead by this point.

"That wasn't very sportsmanlike, Vegeta!"

"Oh, shut up, Kakarot! He's been beating us up with words for the last hour and a half! Fuck sportsmanship!"

"Now, Vegeta…"

The saiyan prince's mouth hung open in horror. Why? I don't know, his beam attacks never fucking worked before, I don't really know why he'd think they'd start now. Low-Key revealed himself to be perfectly fine underneath the massive dust cloud.

"If you don't quit this foolish endeavor, you'll be SPORTING a lot of terrible wounds!"

The sudden agony in Vegeta's belly was sufficient enough that he vomited blood and floated slowly back down to earth.

"Your dad sucks," whispered Goten to Trunks, who just blushed and gritted his teeth at his friend.

"Vegeta," said Goku weakly. "Does he know that Frieza's dead?"

Vegeta paused from staring at his own blood puddle he was standing in to look over at Goku. "No."

"Tell him!"

"You tell him, Kakarot! You're the one who defeated him!"

"Yeah, but Trunks is the one who killed him, and he's your son!"

"Then, Trunks," Vegeta turned to look at his son, "you go and tell this guy that you've already killed Frieza!"

"But I didn't!"

Vegeta stamped his feet. "Close enough, god damn it! Do what I say, or I'm cutting your allowance in half!"

Trunks sighed. His father had him cornered with that one. Two million zenie a week wouldn't be enough to finish his palace in Hawaii until next year. It was going to be made of glorious gold and feature every object from the "PONPONPON" video by Kyary Pampu Pampu. The name of the palace? Kawaii Hawaii.

"Hey, uh… guy up there!" Trunks shouted. "Frieza's already-"

"Dead, I heard," Low-Key affirmed. "It's hard not to hear you saiyans shouting off like you do."

"Then my work here is done!" Trunks said and flew off into the distance, never to be heard from again. That is, until later that day when he returned.

"I apologize for my behavior," said Low-Key to Goku and Vegeta. "It's was all just frustration."

"It's fine," said Goku. "Want some food?!"

"Sure-"

Low-Key was cut off by a sneaky use by Krillin of his destructo disk.

**END**


End file.
